What do I like? What don't I like?

Divide the top section vertically down the middle with a line.

Write LIKES on the left and DISLIKES on the right.

Now make your lists.

Think about your relationships, marriage, family, friendships, work, communication, social life, home, personal time and everyday interactions.

Don't limit yourself to things that seem important.

Write down what you genuinely like and dislike.

Try to write at least 5–10 things on each side.

When you're finished, stop.

Don't analyze your answers yet.

• •I like having plans made in advance.
• •I dislike being interrupted.
• •I like spending time together as a family.
• •I dislike people being late.
• •I like a clean house.
• •I dislike confrontation.

What matters deeply to me?

In the middle section, write:

I VALUE...

Now think about the principles and qualities that matter most to the way you want to live your life.

Rather than writing roles or identities—

"I am a mother." "I am a wife." "I am a Christian."

—consider what those identities represent to you.

Perhaps:

I value family. I value commitment. I value faith.

These are only examples. Don't choose something because you think it should be one of your values.

Choose what actually matters to you.

Try to identify your 5–10 most important values.

Then consider:

Are these truly my values—or things I've been taught that I should value?

Does the way I live reflect the values I've written down?

Is there anything important to me that I didn't initially think to include?

Don't change anything in the other sections yet.

• •Honesty
• •Loyalty
• •Kindness
• •Trust
• •Integrity
• •Independence
• •Accountability
• •Peace
• •Growth
• •Generosity
• •Self-respect
• •Being present

What are my boundaries?

In the bottom section, write down the boundaries you currently believe you have in your life.

Don't worry about whether you're wording them "correctly."

Write them exactly as you currently think about them.

They might involve:

Relationships, Marriage, Family, Friendships, Communication, Work, Money, Time, Privacy, Personal space, Respect, Social situations

Think about statements you've made—or thought—such as:

"That's a boundary for me." "I'm not okay with that." "I won't tolerate that." "If someone does that, I'm done." "People in my life know not to..."

Write down 5–10 boundaries, if you can.

Most importantly:

Don't try to make your boundaries match your values.

Write the boundaries you genuinely have before looking for connections between the sections.

Once all three sections are complete, look at your paper as a whole.

Start with each boundary.

Ask yourself:

"What is this boundary protecting?"

If you can connect the boundary to one of your values, draw a line between them.

For example:

VALUE: I value honesty. ↓ BOUNDARY: I will not knowingly participate in a relationship where there is ongoing dishonesty.

Continue until you've examined every boundary.

Some may connect immediately.

Others may not.

Don't force a connection.

An unconnected boundary may be just as interesting as a connected one.

For any boundary that doesn't clearly connect to one of your values, ask yourself:

What is this really protecting?

Could it be protecting a value you forgot to write down?

Could this actually be a preference—something you strongly like or dislike?

Could it be a way of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation or conflict?

Could it be an attempt to get another person to behave differently?

Or is there something deeper here that you haven't identified yet?

You don't need to resolve it.

Circle any boundary you're unsure about.

We'll talk about these together.

Now look at each boundary and ask:

"Who has to do something for this to work?"

Consider the difference between:

"You can't speak to me that way."

and

"If a conversation becomes insulting, I will end the conversation and return to it when we can speak respectfully."

The first requires another person to change their behavior.

The second describes what you will do.

Now look at your own boundaries.

If one primarily describes what someone else must or must not do, put an R beside it.

That doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

For now, we're simply going to call it a:

REQUEST

A request communicates what we would like another person to do.

A boundary describes what we will or will not participate in.

For each boundary, see whether you can complete this sentence:

Because I value __________,

I will / will not __________.

For example:

Because I value respectful communication, I will step away from conversations that become insulting and return when we can speak respectfully.

You don't have to rewrite something if the formula doesn't feel right.

Instead, circle it.

That's something worth discussing.

Look at each boundary you've written and ask yourself:

"Am I actually willing to do this?"

Not: Do I want the other person to respect it?

Not: Do I think the other person should understand it?

But:

Am I willing to take the action I've written if the other person doesn't change?

Put a ★ next to any boundary that would be particularly difficult for you to follow through on.